Leave My Mind Leave My Body
by alittleballerina
Summary: Kenya's missing. Amanda's stuck in her head. If the conversation between Amanda and Stahma went differently that night. Stahma/Amanda "T" rated femslash. Just a little story I thought up.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Leave My Mind Leave My Body

Pairing: Stahma/Amanda

Rating: T, you could say there's little bit of adult sexual content :P but nothing to traumatizing.

Summery: If Stahma and Amanda's conversation went differently the night Kenya got taken away. Stahma/Amanda "T" rated femslash.

I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. DEFIANCE BELONGS TO WHOEVER CREATED IT.

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I hear footsteps and think they're Nolan's. I need a minute. But it isn't the law keeper at all. Stahma. All white, and bearing a strangely comforting and _uncomforting_ smile. She bows her head politely in Castithan greeting. "Can we find somewhere, to talk?"

A simple conversation in the street. About my sister. And Datak. My mind never leaves the subject of Kenya. How can I find her? I need to find Nolan.

"Have I ever told you how fond I am of your sister?" I hear Stahma say it, but I'm not completely aware of my response. I didn't know they knew each other. Stahma talks of her husband, he goes to the NeedWant for the Night Porters she says. Night Porters?

"Night Porters?"

"It's what you're sister likes to call her prostitutes." Oh. I didn't know that. Stahma thinks it's a lovely name, and then something about Kenya being proud of her work. I blink, but I can't concentrate fully on what she's saying, my thoughts are all on Kenya. I need to go and find her. Stahma asks something about Kenya. I give her my attention, but I shake my head no, subconsciously answering whatever it is that Stahma's question was. "The dear thing throws her arms around me, and squeezes me so tight I can barely breathe. And whispers in my ear, your husband is so wonderful. Thank you so much for agreeing to share him." Datak. Datak and Kenya. Kenya sleeps with Datak. And Stahma knows. I don't know what to say.

"_Wow" _I say. Stahma says something about Kenya having a special gift. I need to find Kenya.

"That's why I want to help her." And I'm listening again.

"How?" She calls Nolan a hothead, so is her Datak.

"All Datak wants is the respect he deserves. Give him that, and your sister is as good as rescued." I ask her how Datak would take this respect. Stahma brings up Bel. Bel Jarret, former councilman, died in the Volge attack. _God, _I should be searching for Kenya. I say that Bel Jarret was brave, he was.

"I can't even imagine how hard it must be, knowing you have to appoint someone else to take over his seat on the town council. With so much important work to be done, it can't stay vacant for long." Stahma says all of this with a lingering smile. Wait what? She wants Datak on the council, I can tell.

"_You want me to appoint Datak to the town council?" _I'm not sure how that came out. Kenya. It could have come out as a growl and I wouldn't have noticed. Stahma speaks of healing, and moving foreword. And she's rooting for Kenya. Kenya. Stahma is done talking now. I don't have any words left. But tears are coming I can feel them in my eyes. I close them. Where is _Kenya?_ I don't have a response, and I don't want Stahma to think I'm weak for crying. I turn to leave. A hand stops me. Stahma frowns sympathetically at me, but it could just be pity. She wipes away the tears that escaped. Stahma stares at me for a long time. I need to go, I need to find Kenya.

Stahma's hand reaches out and touches mine. Kenya, I need to find Kenya. She drags her fingers lightly up my bare arm, tracing a long scar, courtesy from the Volge attack. I need to go and help Nolan, Kenya could be dying. I push Stahma back, lightly; I don't want to be aggressive with her. She closes the distance immediately, this time pressing her body up against mine. My mind is clouded with thoughts of saving Kenya. Stahma places a feather light finger to my jaw and turns my head; I'm staring straight into her lavender eyes. I shouldn't be doing this; I should be doing something else…. She leans in, her ethereal beauty just inches from my face, she turns towards my ear.

"You need to be distracted, you seem so tense." She smoothes down my hair and wraps her arms around me. Distracted from what? I feel Stahma pull back after a moment. And she looks into my eyes again.

"Stahma." I hear myself mumble her name, but I'm uneasy, there is something more important going on I know it. Stahma makes a shushing noise and coos something in her own language: '_Don't be nervous._'

I wrack my brain, I should go and find Nolan, I can't remember why but something big is happening and I would remember if I could get away. I push back once more. Stahma reacts instantly, again pressing her body against mine, more forcefully than before. I gasp. Oh.

"_You need to be distracted._" More Castithan words follow, but I don't know their meaning. I whimper and shake my head, I have a bad feeling. Stahma shushes me again. She places a tender palm on my cheek and slowly leans in. I should go. Her lips meet mine. Oh. I pull back with wide eyes. Stahma crashes quickly into me again, now she's lost her Castithan poise and she's kissing me forcefully. Her hands are holding my face to hers, but I wasn't planning on pushing her away. I forget now why I was so nervous, but a lingering dread is lying deep within my bones and the only thing I know, I shouldn't be here. I reach my own hands up to Stahma's white face and cup it, mirroring her actions. I shouldn't be here but I don't dare leave now.

Stahma doesn't wait for me to open my mouth before she pushes her tongue through its barriers. Oh. Stahma. My own tongue fights back, and my hands leave her face to grab her shoulders, I rise up on my toes and pull her into me even closer. I feel Stahma smile through the kiss, I feel Stahma's chest against mine, and I feel Stahma's hands leave my face and weave into my blonde hair. Stahma. She hums softly, almost a whimper but I feel as though Castithan's don't whimper, they don't do anything to show that they're losing their self control. I suppose I'll find out eventually. Whatever it was, it was the loveliest sound I've ever heard. Stahma's hums make me think of bells. I step back from her body if only to allow an inch of space for my hands, as they've left her shoulders to travel down and rest on top of her breasts. Stahma hums into the kiss again, and it definitely was a whimper so I know now that her composure is falling to shtako. Stahma, bells. I smile and pull away from her mouth. Air. Her smile is astounding and manages to calm me and flip my stomach all at once. I lean in again, and our smiles collide into another kiss. Stahma resumes her occasional sounds of pleasure, and each one sends shocks straight down to my centre. Stahma, Stahma, Stahma. My mental tourettes is making her name redundant in my head.

"Stahma." I break the kiss and say it out loud, making it real again. Stahma puts her forehead against mine, she looks to the side.

"Isn't it lovely Amanda?" She's smiling. Stahma.

"What?" I look to the side. She gently takes my hand off her chest and stretches out her arm, taking it with her. She flattens her palm vertically and I mirror her actions. With our palms pressed together I can see that her hand is bigger than mine, but also, definitely more feminine, I let out the air I was keeping in. Stahma's hands are so feminine.

"The contrast," She explains, gazing affectionately at our hands. "Your skin against mine, it's so different from all the white. All white, all the time. And now, _your_ hands are tan against mine." She moves her arm up through the air, and then arcs it back down to her side, my palm still doesn't leave hers; she laces her fingers into mine. Stahma's hand glow against mine, Stahma is holding my hand. Stahma. I sigh.

"And_ your_ face," She finally disconnects her forehead from mine, and uses her free hand to once again cup my jaw, "So warm, and not so white. Your eyes, they're golden, and not so white." Not so white. But Stahma, Stahma's all white, all the time. She glows, ethereal, beautiful. Stahma glows. I take a moment to look back at her, her lavender pools suck me into a trance. I'm lost. I throw myself at Stahma. I attack her mouth with my lips and tongue. Stahma responds quickly, shoving one hand back into my hair and the other taps tentatively down my stomach. I moan. Stahma's hands upon me. I can't even take it. Stahma giggles into my mouth, she drops her hand even lower. Stahma. Stahma's laugh sounds like wind chimes.

"Yes." I sigh when she reached the button of my jeans. Her hand stops, I bring my hips up to press even harder against her hand. Stahma giggles. Wind chimes. Stahma trails her kisses off my mouth and sucks on my neck. Ooh. I latch my hands onto her back like claws. Her hand slips into my jeans, and I say something, but I hear it only after it's said.

"But what about Datak? What do you think you're doing? Are you cheating?" I shouldn't have said that. I had no control over my voice when I said that, my body was responding to one thing while my mind focused on another. I should've thought. I should take it back. To my surprise, Stahma smiles. That beautiful, extraordinary smile. And Stahma's still glowing. Stahma pulls her hand out from my panties, I suddenly feel very empty. I don't want to look, I'll see how shamefully aroused she made me in so little time if I look. Stahma must have wiped her fingers off on her dress. She places her hand back in mine, just like before. _Stahma._

"Datak," She says affectionately. Stahma's still holding my hand. Stahma's still cupping my face and caressing it with her thumb. She looks at me, and she's looking into my soul. "He's angry, and wanting respect. Tonight, he will stay inside, simmering. He'll never know." Stahma plants a kiss on each corner of my mouth, and one on my nose, and one on my forehead. Each kiss leaves a burning sensation, bringing me back to reality, out of Stahma's guile. Know. No. _No. _I am not supposed to be doing this. What am I supposed to be doing? Why is Datak mad? He wants respect. He said I had no respect. And because I lacked respect, that was the reason he wouldn't help me find my sister. _Kenya. _

"Kenya." I say. For the last time I push back, and Stahma doesn't come for me. I'm back. Business. "Kenya," I repeat. "Datak, he'll help if I appoint him to a proper position?"

Stahma looks surprised, confused, and just slightly dejected. I give her an expecting look. She looks back at me, and regains her elegant composure. She's back. Business.

"An appointed position will surely aide in the survival of Ke- your sister." Stahma folds her hands together in front of her body. I nod my head.

"It's done then. I have to go." I turn to leave, I'm feeling everything at once. I haven't breathed in a long time. I feel a hand on my wrist. "Stah-"

"Please," Stahma looks at me with unreadable eyes. I have to go. She smiles anyway, and gives me a lingering kiss on my cheek. Oh. "I know you're sister will be alright." She frees her grip on my arm and I leave. I walk quickly away, breathing heavily, the tension between my legs is dissipating. Kenya is important now.

Stahma. Stahma's smile. Stahma's chest against mine. Stahma's hands in my hair. Stahma sounds like bells. Stahma's hands. Stahma's skin. Stahma glows. Now Stahma sounds like wind chimes. Stahma has my essence on her fingers. Stahma. Stahma's inside my head now. An obsession, a need. But Kenya. Kenya. _Kenya. _Kenya is important. _Kenya is in danger._ Stahma. Kenya. Stahma. Stahma. Kenya. Datak. Nolan. Stahma. Kenya. Nolan. Kenya. _Kenya._

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_This was my first piece of fanfiction. You have no idea how happy I'd be if you guys gave me some feed back :)))))) REVIEWWWW!  
_


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Leave My Mind Leave My Body

Pairing: Stahma/Amanda

Rating: T, you could say there's little bit of adult sexual content :P but nothing to traumatizing.

Summery: If Stahma and Amanda's conversation went differently the night Kenya got taken away. Stahma/Amanda "T" rated femslash.

I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. DEFIANCE BELONGS TO WHOEVER CREATED IT.

tell me what you think :)

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"Well this is very good news," Datak stands up with a smile and walks over to me. "Taking over Bel Jarret's position on the town council will surely open up many doors." He places his hand on the back of my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. I comply, and place my hands daintily on his chest. Datak moves his hands down my body, rather roughly, and moves his mouth to my neck.

"Datak." I say softly. "Datak, _Datak." _I arch away from him, freeing myself from his grip. "Alak and Christie. They'll be back any minute." I'm quick to close the distance to avoid any suspicion as to why I do not give into Datak's rather talented hands, and I place my hand on his shoulders, to keep him still. I lean in to brush my lips against his cheek, a wifely, but dismissing action.

"Well, let's take this to our bedroom then." He leans towards me for another kiss, but I pull my head back, thinking fast.

"What and let the children go hungry? I was planning on making something special for our guest tonight." I smile at him while I speak, simply to calm any frustration my lack of consent might cause. Datak is unfazed by my words.

"Oh let our cook do it, it's why she's here." He tries to pursue again, but I only react by pulling farther away. Datak sighs now. "Stahma."

"I was looking forward to cooking. I was going to make your _favorite_." I straighten back up, still locked in his embrace, I smile lovingly. "Culinary work is a _woman's _job is it not?" I place a hand on his jaw and stroke his cheek with my thumb. Datak grunts and nods his head. "To be a good wife, I need to be well versed in cooking. Any extra practice I can fit in would only benefit this family. And anyway, our cook is a _Liberta_, she doesn't know traditional Castithan culinary like a native would." I can see I've won him over now; I move in gracefully, and seal the deal with another chaste kiss.

"Alright Stahma," He releases me and smiles, his temper is calm. "I understand, and you _could_ do with a bit more experience." I smile at his words.

"See?" I say, I kiss him yet again. "And besides, you should be thinking about your new and _respectable_ position right now." He follows me as I make my way to the kitchen. Datak smiles as if he had forgotten about it already, and my words had reminded him.

"Yes! You're right! And how did you manage to sway our _prized Lady Mayor_ anyhow?" He asks this casually, but I almost lose my composure at the mention of her. Of Amanda. And her hands, so tan against mine. A rush of, how humans would say, butterflies swirls in my stomach, I take in a sharp breath. I swallow and turn to face him, my poise proper and well controlled.

"I just gave her some cunning words of persuasion, in regards to her _sister's survival_. Nothing more." I smile deviously; I'm feeling slightly proud of myself. But I can't deny the way talking about Amanda gives me that large twist in my stomach. Datak smiles pompously. I play the part as a good wife and move back over to him, pressing up against his side and grabbing his hand.

"My wife is a genius!" He bellows out.

"You flatter a poor woman." I smile at him and bow my head before turning away and allowing myself a moment to gather my composure. It's a silly thing, to be so dismantled by the mere mentioning of Amanda. It takes me a moment to regain a proper and dignified deportment.

"Not that you actually did _all_ you could pertaining to her survival." I offer playfully. Datak smiles smugly and shrugs. I see our cook walking in, but she avoids eye contact, as she always does. "Miralda?" She looks at me, I see a hidden fear in her eyes, and I give her a calming smile, and bow my head lightly. "You are dismissed for the evening, I'll handle the cooking tonight." She mumbles out words of gratitude and quickly scampers off, I watch her as she leaves, sometimes I wish they wouldn't be so terrified of me. Datak grumbles.

"You're too kind to them."

"They _are_ living creatures that deserve respect are they not?" I say, I begin to collect the dinner essentials, I usually prefer to do my cooking in peace, and Datak's presence is putting pressure on me.

"They are scum, _slaves_. They do not deserve your kind words!" I frown before turning around to face him with a calmer expression. I move over to him and join him in his chair, sitting on his lap.

"Be still." I say, deflecting away any frustration before he gets too riled up. I place a loving hand on his jaw and kiss him. "Let me attend dinner now. You get a bath in, and I will join you if preparations go faster than expected." Datak nods his head and waits for me to get off him before turning to leave.

"Who is our guest anyway?" He asks by the threshold. I look at him incredulously.

"_Christie!" _I hiss. He looks at me disapprovingly; I'm quick to regain my composure. "You should be kinder to her," say with a smile and level voice. "She will soon be a part of this family." I wonder if he'll scold me for my outburst. But he seems calm.

"I-" He starts to say, but he is cut off by the front door opening and closing. "Shtako." He mutters and quickly turns away, heading for the bathing room. I roll my eyes, a silly human action I enjoy doing when no one is around to see me. Alak and Christie come into the kitchen as I begin to prepare the food. I smile widely at them both.

"You're back! How are the both of you?" I give Alak a tight hug and a peck on the forehead, and then I turn to Christie, grabbing her hand and placing a gentle kiss to the back it. Alak likes it when I'm kind to her, I always am; I rather like Christie. But the lack of affection the girl gets form Datak only heightens Alak's appreciation for my warmth. It also puts him in a better mood. Christie giggles and wraps her hand around Alak's bicep. He then maneuvers them to the large table where I am cooking.

"It was good. I took Christie up to the radio tower with me." I smile and nod my head to show I'm listening.

"Yes Alak even let me speak into the microphone and pick out some of the songs." Christie says in a soft voice, she blushes. I smile involuntarily at my son's kindness; it's so refreshing to know that he hasn't yet been riddled with his some of his father's more aggressive, and well, unromantic traits.

"That was very sweet of you Alak." I say softly with my head down, focusing on the food, Datak was unfortunately accurate when addressing my cooking abilities, I _could_ in fact use more practice, although I would never let the true extent to my horrible skills ever be revealed. Alak chuckles.

"Anything for Christie of course." I smile again at his words. "Where's dad?"

"Your fathers bathing." I narrow my eyes at the meat in front of me. Raccoon meat, a Castithan delicacy, also extremely difficult to prepare well. I hear Alak sigh and I look up.

"Perfect timing _dad_." His words drip with sarcasm and they make me furrow my eyebrows.

"Alak your father is getting appointed to the town council, you should approach him with a little bit more respect." I scold him only lightly, being that it was in fact me who sent him to the baths.

"He knew we were coming back so he occupied himself so he wouldn't have to deal with us." Alak was getting worked up and he didn't even acknowledge his father's new position. I widen my eyes and look to Christie. Her head is down and she clears her throat uncomfortably.

"Alak!" I murmur and shift my eyes back and forth between them, if only to let him know what his brash words had done. Christie is not ignorant, she is well aware of Datak's aversion to her existence and their relationship; it makes me sad for her. "I'm the one who sent him to bathe. Please be still." Alak relaxes back into the chair, placing an arm around Christie. He murmurs an apology. I take in a breath and turn to Christie. "Christie, is there anything a can get for you?" I say sweetly, I place my hand over hers and rub it with my thumb. She gives me an appreciating smile and shakes her head.

"No. Thank you. I'm fine." I nod my head and look back down at my work, I glare slightly at the knife I'm holding, wishing I could be a better cook, a perfect cook.

"Now Alak, do I have to repeat myself? Your father is to be appointed to the town council." I make a precise cut, and then straighten up to examine my effort; so far it's not too atrocious, I smile to myself.

"How do you know, if it hasn't _happened_ yet?" Alak doesn't seem too happy for his father, I understand, he is a teenager after all. I sigh.

"I thought that Madame Mayor was-" Christie's words make my muscles tense abruptly, and my knife slips right into my finger.

"Oh." I quickly pull it up and away from the food, inspecting the slice and watching as the crimson blood promptly begins to spill out of the wound. It seems to be deeper than a simple cut.

"Mom!" Alak jumps up and grabs a towel from the hook by the sink.

"I'm fine darling, a bandage please." Alak nods and gives Christie the towel before turning to leave.

"Oh my gosh." Christie gasps and grabs my hand, holding the towel to my cut herself. I find myself a bit dazed still by the mention of Amanda, and images of her flood into my brain, I feel the pressure of her lips upon mine. Again I think it's silly, I should be able to control myself better. "You're bleeding a lot." The dear thing looks rather concerned. It helps to focus on her, it ushers my mind back into the moment. I smile at her appreciatively, and cup her jaw gently with my good hand.

"Don't worry Christie, Castithan's heal rather quickly."

"Oh, good." Christie blushes and looks back down to my finger, my blood contrasts harshly with the stark whiteness of the towel and my skin as it soaks it up. "Still, that's a lot." Christie says quietly, not necessarily talking to me. I remove my hand from her face, dragging my fingers lightly against the soft surface. Alak comes back with a bandage. I smile at him gratefully and take it from him. I didn't even take the time to feel the pain through the thoughts of Amanda that fogged my brain before, but now, with a clear head, I wince at the deep cut as the towel is removed.

"Ouch."

"Jesus mom, that's pretty bad." Alak brings Christie back to the table. "You're sure you're alright?"

"I'll be fine sweet. I'm afraid I just lost control of the knife, raccoon meat is very difficult that way." I smile reassuringly to the both of them. "So, as you were saying about," I clear my throat and wait to pick up the knife. "Our Madame Mayor, Christie?" Once the initial stomach flip dissipates, I grab the knife again and return to my work, grimacing when my finger shifts painfully under the bandage.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Tarr, I can't really remember now." Christie laughs half-heartedly and I'm beginning to think she is uneasy around blood.

"That's alright dear." I smile at her and bow my head slightly.

"Hey Christie." Alak gives her shoulder a squeeze and a shake. "How about we go for a walk while dinner's being made? Mom likes to cook in peace anyway. And I think we've already uh, disrupted the peace." Alak laughs good-naturedly and I smile at my son.

"Sounds like a wonderful idea!" I offer encouragingly. Christie nods her head and Alak helps her up. They both smile at me and then go out the door to the outside, I watch them go and think about what will happen when they get married. If Christie moves in, something I will insist upon, I cannot have her be so uncomfortable all the time, if the mines are to belong to _us _one day, then I will have to make sure things go smoothly. I sigh and look down at my hand, being alone means I don't have to be so aware of how I carry myself.

I grimace at the meat, but I'm really just upset with my inability to prepare it perfectly like a good Castithan wife. I turn to lean my back against the table and use my good hand to pinch the bridge of my nose. I'm upset with myself. Why does Amanda do this so me? Two nights ago when we interacted out on the street, I hadn't meant to carry it as far as I had. I told myself that it was just to further persuade her into appointing Datak to the town council. But now, the sobering fact that the cut on my finger was caused just by the mere mentioning of Amanda, I realize that Kenya would have been influence enough. Telling Amanda that appointing Datak would save her sister was more than enough persuasion, and perhaps I knew that that night, but I did what I did anyway. There is just something that is so intriguing, and _intoxicating_ about her. I sigh, frustrated with my thoughts. It's so disgraceful, _dishonorable_, to be thinking of anyone other than my betrothed, a man who I do love very much. Earlier, I really hadn't made any plans to make dinner; I just didn't necessarily feel like sleeping with Datak at the moment. A good Castithan wife would never reject her husband, her very source of power and security. A good Castithan wife would never let her thoughts wonder the way I have. The feeling kissing Amanda, and touching Amanda, those feelings hadn't left my mind since I first _felt _them. A good Castithan wife would _never_ send her husband to bathe without her. And a good Castithan wife would be able to properly make dinner for her family, without scarring her perfect, Castithan skin. I'm beginning to think myself a failure. Approaching footsteps startle me, I quickly turn back to the table and grab the knife; I would never let anyone see me unsure of what I was doing. I regain my poise and make myself look confident.

"Oh, Lady Tarr. I'm so sorry I seem to have forgotten my coat!" It's Miralda, and her words are rushed and panicked, like I would lash out and turn the knife upon her for coming back. I smile at her.

"Perfectly excusable Miralda." I say in a calming voice, I bow my head politely at the Liberta, I'm trying to bestow a sense of ease over her, but she is so tense I don't think it can be done. "Oh, Miralda?" I quickly get her attention before she leaves again.

"Y-yes Lady Tarr?"

"Miralda, I've cut myself rather horribly. See?" I present my bandaged finger. Miralda gasps. "Yes well, I am so sorry to ask this of you, but could you possibly-"

"Say no more my Lady! I will finish the dinner for you." Miralda hurries off to put her coat away and when she comes back she washes her hands, something I had forgotten to do, I added it to the mental list I was beginning to create, a list of things for me to remember, and do better.

"I feel quite awful, I made an empty promise, promising you could have the night to yourself and family." I look at her apologetically and step away from the food, allowing Miralda the space to work on it herself.

"No apologies required my Lady." She says, she is working fast on the meat, doing the things that would take me minutes to do, in seconds, I'm slightly jealous. To have another race better me in something, my cooking skills simply must be improved.

"Yes well, thank you." I bow my head and turn to leave, not being able to bear the sight of her talents exceeding my own. I walk through my house towards the baths. A good Castithan wife would make sure her husband's bath is as _pleasurable _as possible. And that's the goal isn't it? To be a perfect wife?

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_Please comment and review I would absolutely love to hear what you guys think so far, or if you have any ideas. It would keep me going :)_


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